The Epic of the Measuring Stick

What an eye-catching title for a blog post, don't you think? The following post will someday be compared to the great epics of our time---Gone With the Wind, Lawrence of Arabia, The Mighty Ducks--take your pick. It will also undoubtedly join the ranks of the great Hollywood screenplays (Casablanca, On the Waterfront, She's the Man--once again, take your pick), but lucky enough for all you readers, you are the first people to ever become familiar with the Epic of the Measuring Stick--you are the proud, the few.

It all started with a measuring stick and three spoiled kids from an unnamed university.



(Not actual measuring stick. The real one was a shiny silver aluminum.)

Previously mentioned spoiled children had been given an all-inclusive trip to the Mediterranean coast of Italy to give presentations at a library convention of all things. One of these spoiled children (we'll call her "Darcy") borrowed a metal measuring stick from the library of previously unnamed university (for your convenience, we'll just refer to it from now on as "BYU") to aid her in a poster she had designed as part of her presentation.

Our story will begin in Naples where the measuring stick had an eventful week sitting in its hotel room eating truffles and witnessing the literal meltdown of a computer (there will be some great CGI for this in the movie) but like all good things, the vacation had to end. Darcy had the unfortunate circumstance of getting to go backpacking through Italy with her father for two weeks following Naples (poor thing) and didn't have room for the measuring stick in her backpack. (Looking back on it, there wouldn't have been room for an entire computer either---did you plan that explosion for your own convenience, Darcy????) Because of this, the responsibility was dealt to me to assure that the measuring stick made its way back home to the BYU library halfway around the world. It was a responsibility I was willing to accept, but little did I know the looming trouble this would bring upon me. (At this point in the movie-version there will be some element of foreshadowing--maybe a new leitmotif in the score or some clever camera angle. We're still working out the details.)

My path after Naples became that of a solo journey. With the measuring stick tucked safely away in my suitcase, the two of us found lodging for several nights with two female travelers from Denmark, but unfortunately, it was not to last. (That's the closest this epic will get to having any form of a love story--don't worry, the screenwriters are planning on spicing up that part of the screenplay in order to boost the movie to at least a PG-13 rating. It's a marketing thing.)

Then an unexpected disaster struck (It always does in an epic, right?) This will rank right up there with the disastrous moments of all epics--Scarlett loses the farm, Maximus is deceived and arrested by Commodus, Harry decides to abandon Lloyd in Nebraska and walk home to Providence, and now to add to those epic moments.....THE WHEEL ON MY SUITCASE BROKE.

The plot thickens.

The next path of my journey involved riding a train to a nearby port city of Salerno where I was to board a ferry by myself that would take me across the Mediterranean to the northern African country of Tunisia. Little did I know that the walk from the train platform to the ferry port would take me over two hours and during this epic walk (Which of course ranks among the greatest of all epic journeys--like Rose and Jack crossing the Atlantic, Moses leading the children of Israel out of bondage, and the Three Amigos on their quest to find El Guappo.) During this arduous and taxing foot journey, the left wheel of my previously (and deceptively) reliable suitcase gave out and broke off. This left me with no other option but to drag the suitcase the rest of the way in the hot sun to the ferry port.

Here is where we reach a major point of decision which will really illuminate the inner strength of my character.

When I reached the ferry port, I realized that I had a smaller duffle bag packed inside my suitcase. In a moment of desperation, I began to unpack the essential items out of my suitcase and place them in the duffle bag. Everything that didn't fit would just have to stay abandoned forever on the coast of Italy. However, when I got to the bottom of the suitcase, there lied the measuring stick. No matter how I tried, the measuring stick simply would not fit into the duffle bag. Having always considered myself to be among the most reliable and honorable of all human beings, I decided that I simply could not fail Darcy and not deliver the measuring stick back to its proper owner. So slowly I placed all my items back in the broken suitcase, zipped it up, and proceeded to drag it behind me with much effort for the remainder of my journey. What dedication. What mental toughness. What strength of character. (It is now that I realize that once this hits the big screen, I will most definitely be ranked among the greatest of all the noble Hollywood characters--Aragorn, Oskar Schindler, Nacho Libre, etc.)

The journey continued for the measuring stick with a long ferry ride across the Mediterranean to Tunisia, where it resided for several days before flying back to the states. Upon return to Utah, preparations for an upcoming cross-country move overshadowed my original priority of returning the measuring stick to the library and so while it was so close to its home, the journey of the measuring stick was not yet complete. Off it went through the cornfields of South Dakota and Iowa where it rested for several months, all the while awaiting my return to Utah.

(During this whole time, Darcy waited patiently to be reunited with the measuring stick. Several flashback sequences will show Darcy back in America which display her feelings of longing and yearning for the measuring stick to make it back to her safe and sound. Following the unparalleled success of my side of the story in theaters, a spin-off film of Darcy's side of the story will be produced. Both will be unprecedented landmark achievements in the history of film.)

Finally, on January 4th, 2009--more than five months since the measuring stick and Darcy parted ways--the two were reunited in a most joyous moment. Darcy looked kind of like this when she and the measuring stick were together again for the first time.



This will be an ending forever embedded in the minds of audience members everywhere. Watch out Scarlett O'Hara--there's a new Georgian belle that's going to steal the hearts of moviegoers everywhere.

And with that, the epic has drawn to a close. See you at the Oscars.